100,001 Funny Quotes

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain” – Lily Tomlin

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” – Bob Hope

“A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.” – Ronald Reagan

“I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.” – Albert Einstein

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin

“If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Ninety percent of the game is half mental.” – Jim Wohford

“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” – Homer J. Simpson

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

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